


Swipe Left

by arsonandmorearson (svensationalist)



Category: Monster Prom (Visual Novel)
Genre: Canon Universe, Canon-Typical Violence, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-07-20 14:14:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16138946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/svensationalist/pseuds/arsonandmorearson
Summary: It all starts with Vera’s new business venture: Hinder, an app that lets you interrupt bad dates happening locally.





	Swipe Left

**Author's Note:**

> I saw [this post on tumblr](http://chirabella.tumblr.com/post/178016378153/apocalyptic-genderpunk-ralfmaximus) and immediately thought of Damien. Please enjoy my crackfic garbage.

“Please explain to me,” Vera says, in a tone of voice that conveys _this better be good or I’ll feed you to my snakes_ , “what exactly you were thinking.”

When she says it like _that_ , Damien wonders whether he _might_ have made some terrible life decisions. “Well… it fucking worked, didn’t it?” he says defensively.

Shit — Vera’s eye is twitching _and_ her snakes are hissing.  “What part of _this_ seemed like a good idea to you?!”  She waves to the smouldering remains of what was once a restaurant, a disgusted look on her face as if arson _isn’t_ the solution to all of life’s problems.  Which, frankly speaking, is absurd because adding fire clearly makes everything better.

Judging by the amount of money Damien has to fork over for the repair bill, Vera seems to strongly disagree.

 

* * *

 

It all starts with Vera’s new business venture: Hinder, an app that lets you interrupt bad dates happening locally.  

Damien loves any excuse to fuck shit up — not that he wouldn’t fuck shit up anyways on his own, but he’s a man that seizes opportunities — so he obviously fits the job description of official-cockblocker.  Hell, he offered to do it for free!  (Which... is probably why Vera let him do it in the first place, actually. Ah, whatever.)

See, love is metal.  Anyone fucking with love by being a horrible date deserves some kind of hellish retribution for making light of the most metal force in the universe.  The only thing better than fucking shit up is fucking shit up for a noble cause, right? Maybe this will count towards his assignment to find a ‘productive channel for his violent urges’.

He’s just doing his usual thing in Monstropolis, beating people up for money and organs, when he receives a Hinder notification on his phone from a restaurant less than a block away.

_BRIANSSS: I would appreciate a dramatic interruption ASAP, walk-in preferred._

So Damien shows up, ready to woo the fuck out of whoever this BRIANSSS loser is to make their date feel woefully inadequate.  He already has his best committing-arson outfit on, his lucky rocket launcher, enough gasoline for someone to smell from three blocks away, and a lighter _plus_ a backup lighter.  The fucking epitome of modern metal romance.  

Nothing can possibly go wrong. Except Damien maybe forgot to doublecheck what the client looks like, but he can improvise.  “Who the fuck is BRIANSSS?!” he yells into a restaurant that looks way too fancy to have a fun date in. What sort of boring sissy shit is this?  There are fucking _tablecloths_ and _tealights_.  No wonder BRIANSSS needed Hinder; only Miranda would enjoy this much silverware.

“Oh no,” someone vaguely familiar mutters in the stunned silence.

“Brian, who is that?” says the person sitting at the same table for two.

The name and face ring a bell.  Damien recalls a drooling green asshole with a dumb jacket, always asleep in class whenever he actually bothered to go.  One of Hothead’s friends, maybe? Not very memorable otherwise, considering this is probably the first time Damien remembers him speaking at all.  

Anyways, it's now obvious that Brian is BRIANSSS, so he has a job to do.  Let it be known that Damien fucking LaVey is a fantastic actor, especially when he has flammable props at his disposal.  “Hey fuckface!” He marches over to Brian and kicks his table over, ignoring scandalized gasps. He hasn’t even murdered anyone yet, what is the peanut gallery so shocked about?  “Thought it’d be fucking funny to stand me up, huh?!”

In contrast, Brian is evidently _not_ a fantastic actor, because he chokes on his water and it comes out of his cheek in a flattering dribble.  “W-What?”

For fuck’s sake, does Damien have to do all the work around here?  The idiot doesn’t even have the decency to look half as scared shitless as his soon-to-be-ex-date.  “Don’t fucking play dumb with me! We were supposed to burn a convent together an hour ago!” He splashes some gasoline around for emphasis and ignores the people trying to inconspicuously flee the restaurant.

Brian _finally_ catches on.  “Shit... I am so sorry,” he says, deadpan and utterly unconvincing.  “I completely forgot about the nuns. Will you forgive me, uh… honeylumpkins?”

… Damien is going to kill this fuckdoor so hard that he won't come back a second time.  

“It was nice meeting you I have to go now goodbye,” says Brian’s ex-date as they attempt to set a new world record for running away from a demon hellbent on repeatedly stabbing his classmate with every sharp object available in his vicinity.

Brian’s mouth twitches at the corners and Damien realizes that the fucker is having the time of his undead life.  Alright. Well. Damien isn’t going to let that bitch win. He will handle this maturely. “ _What_ ,” he says, eye twitching, “did you call me?”  Good. Okay. He can do this. He is _calm_ and _collected_ and _not_ going to get arrested again because his dads will lecture him and —

“Honeylumpkins.”

“ _GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!_ ”

The next ten minutes pass by in a glorious montage of arson, hysterically screaming monsters, Damien trying to shoot rockets at Brian, and Brian putting dodgeball muscle memory to good use by avoiding the aforementioned rockets while simultaneously shoving as much fancy food into his mouth and coat pockets as possible.  Needless to say, there isn’t much of a restaurant left after Damien runs out of ammo.

“What the _fuck_ , LaVey.”  The fucking noob has the gall laugh hysterically.  “Gonna admit, I didn’t expect _you_ to show up when I requested a ‘dramatic walk-in’.  This is the fucking funniest thing to happen to me this week.”

Damien is used to people running away and/or shitting themselves when he storms into a building cackling and setting everything on fire, so this reaction leaves him a bit out of his depth.  “Keep fucking laughing and I’ll set _you_ on fire!”

“Wow.  My hero.”  Stupid asshole casually brushes soot off his even stupider jacket; noob didn't even dress up for his date.  “…You should probably get out of here, actually. Pretty sure you reached your arrest quota for the week yesterday when you burned down the gym again.”

Damien _did_ , but he’s not going to let this fuckdoor be all smarmy about it.  “Fuck off.” Nailed it.

“But seriously, thanks for saving my ass.  Turns out my date was trying to hook up with zombies because they have a vore fetish and I am _not_ into that.”

“... what?”

“Yeah, you’d think that’d be a thing you put on your profile straight-up, but no — just casually mention _wouldn’t you rather eat me instead? I mean literally_ at a fucking dinner date. If you didn't show up I was going to try playing dead next, since I figured I could make it convincing after experiencing it once.”

Damien is too fucking confused to feel angry, which ends up making him angry anyways.  He's about to yell and maybe punch this jackass in the face when he hears telltale sirens.  “Gaaaah! You get away this time!”

“I did, thanks to you.”  Brian makes a stupid smile with his stupid face.  “I owe you one for helping me out.”

That isn't what Damien meant but he doesn't have time to argue.  He settles for kicking Brian in the back of the knees while leaving the crime scene. The loser topples over in a very satisfying heap.  It's almost artistic with the dramatic fiery lighting and collapsing building in the backdrop. He files the moment away in a mental folder for future inspiration while making his getaway.

He will feel pretty victorious until he receives an outraged text from Vera an hour later, but that’s a problem for future Damien LaVey.

 

* * *

 

BRIANSSS

★★★★★ 01-04-20X0

_Great app!  Very efficient.  Will definitely use again._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [some shitty doodles](https://arsonandmorearson.tumblr.com/post/178609898837/)

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr @arsonandmorearson


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